The pain of watching abuse can linger for years and years.

By Rachel G. Thomas
Standard-Times staff writer

Sometimes the wounds are invisible, hidden scars in a tiny psyche, torn apart as a loved one is beaten. Watching, in the words of one social worker, "Mommy and daddy self-destructing before their eyes."

For the children who witness domestic violence, the pain from those invisible wounds can linger years after the blows stop -- sometimes masked by drugs or alcohol, sometimes hidden as they lash out at the world.

But experts say none of the children escape. "They're all trauma victims," Dartmouth High School social worker James Ryan said. "It's like war. You don't walk out of the situation unscathed. Every clinician in every school deals with this."

What the professionals say they're dealing with, are traumatized youth deprived of a basic ingredient in development: a feeling of security.

"As a child, you're getting impressions of the world around you," said Maggie Rezendes, a social worker at the Family Service Association of Fall River. "The major thing that goes through these kids' heads is, 'If I'm not safe at home, am I going to be safe at school, in the world?'"

But that is just one of the effects that are clear to anyone who cares enough to look, several experts said.

"They all feel, "I'm worthless, I'm a nobody, I can't do anything," said Jennifer Robertson, director of the Advocates for Women and Kids in Emergencies program at Boston Children's Hospital. "There are so many ramifications."

Some of those ramifications are far reaching. According to one study, children from abusive homes are six or seven times more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol as those who don't come from those types of homes. Seventy percent of the children who grow up in abusive homes are likely to become abusive in their own relationships. An Oregon study found that 68% of juvenile offenders come form violent homes while another study found that 63% of boys aged 12 to 20 incarcerated for murder had killed their mother's abuser.

"Over the years, I have observed that when children are not able to trust the environment in which they live, especially to trust the adult who are supposed to provide them with safety and protection, it really can be a challenge to them throughout their lives." said Joan Louden/Black, SE Regional Director the MASS Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children.

If a child doesn't feel safe, their view of the world can be skewed. "To feel physically safe is to be able to concentrate, to eat, to sleep, to develop relationships," Mr. Ryan said.

If the people closest to them usually express their feelings through yelling or insults and seldom express affection or approval, children don't easily develop a sense that they deserve to be treated well.

Guilt is one side-effect. "Some kids say, 'I must have deserved it,'" Dartmouth Town Youth Advocate Kevin Lee said. "Even if it's their parents doing the hitting. That comes from hearing, 'that's because you're a pain."

Younger children growing up with violence usually don't dare express their fear and anger at home. Some take out their aggressions on the playground or in the classroom, doing what professionals call, "acting out," behavior that ranges from abusive language to fights.

Other kids escape into what Mr. Lee called a "fog bank." "They're miles away, and when they're home, the TV and the walkman are never too far away," Mr. Lee said.

Although some counselors try to help the children, some of the victims deny there is a problem at home. "They think this happens so often, so they don't connect with other kids," Mr. Ryan said. "By the time they're a little older, though, they might start talking to other kids and the light goes on: 'You mean your dad doesn't put your mom up against the wall when he gets mad?"

Other children refuse to discuss the problem, convinced either no one will believe them or nothing will be done to help. "Let's say you've got a kid coming to school where the cops have been to the house already that morning," Mr. Ryan said. "The kids are under the bed and Dad's tearing up the house, but the kid still gets on the bus and nobody knows what he's been through."

Sometimes there are clear signs that there is trouble. Experts said generally boys who witness abuse tend to act aggressively while girls often turn tensions inward